Columnist Trenton Keith is a writing and pop culture enthusiast. He's also a sarcastic humorist, a dismal satirist, and frequent user of non-sequiturs. This is Part Two of his most recent set of Answers to Your Silly Questions. You can read more answers here and here.
This one time Jamba Juice followed me on Twitter and initiated conversations and I thought it was going to be my claim to fame like Justin Bieber and Usher except way more chill, pun intended. It didn’t pan out and now I’m here making it in Los Angeles or something. Long story short I’m definitely credentialed to give advice.
These are actual questions that have been posed to me through various outlets, and my answers do not reflect the official opinions of FIVE THôT, the Internets, or my mother. Any rebroadcast or reproduction without the consent of the NFL is strictly prohibited.
Do you really believe in religion? My husband says all logical people should understand the flaws in faith. You seem so scientific so how can you believe in God?
Dear Holy Shit You’re Confused,
There’s a lot being said here. Faith doesn’t equate to religion, much like logic does not equate to science. I am a man of faith but I get real angry when I have to stand a lot in church. Stand up and sit down THREE times? Pick one, bro. Faith is a personal journey, and one that I will go alone, like Homer in the Illiad but less hookers and boats. I respect the presence or absence of faith, and I would expect the same from anyone else.
Furthermore, I enjoy the tertiary allowances of my faith, like scripture. Have you ever read excerpts from the Qur’an? They are incredibly poetic. Not in the let’s-read-it-and-lay-together-in-the-biblic-sense1 or anything. Sometimes I have trouble picking favorite lines, like quotes in Wayne’s World2. If you’re having a troubled day, check out Jonah 2:2 (Geneva Bible). Esphesians 6:19 (21st Century King James) personally changed my life in a moment of fear. If you’re hardcore and think ‘And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead’ sounds original and hard, check out John 13:35 (English Standard Version Anglicized).
Proverbs 16:24 (New Living Translation) ferdayz.
I’m back. I also need music recommendations, please.
Dear You’re The Worst Person Ever, Stephenie Meyer,
I have weird tastes, which I think are caused by my eclectic upbringing. Split households are the best for burgeoning music predilections or something. Music I’ve fancied lately:
- Power, Corruption & Lies - New Order3.
- Trap Lord – A$AP Ferg.
- Fear Fun – Father John Misty
Honorable mention to my dear friend Lauren Kimball for putting together the catchiest T.I. cover I’ve ever heard. It’s been on repeat for like a month: http://bit.ly/18NNwC4
I’m 33 and I don’t know what to do with my life. Do you have any recommendations or advice for someone without direction? I’m lost.
Dear Literally Everyone I Know,
I don’t want to be cliché or anything, but to quote Alice in Wonderland, you can’t be lost if you don’t know where you want to go. This makes you Alice and me the Cheshire Cat and now I feel really creepy so thanks.
It can be disconcerting to not realize your life directions, but remember that some beauty is silent and unassuming. You may embody something idyllic and help a person become a better soul. Your triumphs might not be written about, but atom for atom, you’re more precious than diamond4.
My goals, personally? I want to open up an ice-cream shop and name it ‘Holy Shit, I Fucking Love Ice-Cream’. Chicks love ice-cream.
Do you like sports? You seem like someone who doesn’t like sports.
Dear Making Assumptions Like a Jackass,
I like Hockey, Football, and Olympic Curling5. I think sports are cool, but the fans are way cooler, because of the deeper meaning it holds for them. Like, Football is to some dudes what quilting or reading is to other people: a release from the drudges of reality. Except this hobby in particular involves concussions and funny hats6.
Actually, quilting doesn’t correlate with head trauma or off-the-field hostilities. Did you know in the past couple years there’s something like four murders from NFL players, not to mention dozens upon dozens of arrests on assault-related charges? Can you picture a quilter coming downstairs after a wicked difficult blanket session and getting in your face about fronting your homie and then shooting you in the face?
Hey man remember that time we got super drunk and we broke into that random condo and played on their pool table and pretended to be Tom Cruise from Cocktail and then we took the car for a joy ride and we spilled Flaming Hot Cheetos and Jäger in the glove compartment but we just left it on the 7th green of the golf course and ended up waking up in a Travelodge like two blocks from my house?
Dear You Must Have Me Confused with Someone Else,
No, I do not recall attending a night that awesome. But if I did, I would tell you that I also definitely hooked up with your sister.
What’s the correct protocol for dancing at weddings? My friends always say to dance to one or two songs and then bow out. I love dancing, but is it appropriate?
Ugh, there are so many unspoken rules at weddings. Firstly, there are kids there. And old people, who are total buzzkills because they love telling stories about you wetting the bed and stuff. The DJ is probably someone’s unemployed cousin who plays mainly house and dubstep and has his pet snake as his background on his Galaxy smartphone7. Then there’s the whole merging of two souls as one, their first social gathering as a joined union. It’s ceremonial and sensitive, so first and foremost you should weigh every decision heavily.
My official opinion? Get shit hammered on the open bar and enter with an Arsenio Hall gesture onto the dance floor, then unapologetically grind on a bridesmaid, puke from rage-dancing (preferably not on said bridesmaid), then end with slow motion air guitar to Santana and Rob Thomas’ ‘Smooth’.
Life’s short. Drive fast, take chances.
1 Dirty talk had to be really funny 2,000 years ago. “We are SO going to lay together. We’re going to lay together so hard after we drink all this date-wine.”
2 It’s, “Garth, marriage is considered punishment for shoplifting in some countries.” FYI
3 I’ve never noticed it but they didn’t use the Oxford Comma in their album title. It’s almost as if they don’t care about outdated grammatical fascism.
4 I’m not that talented. Look it up and thank me later.
5 Literally a game consisting of a rock being thrown over ice and no pins. Like bowling, but more boring. Like bowling. But more boring.
6 Ever seen an actual Cheesehead? Those look absolutely ridiculous because Packers suck go Vikings yes I wear Vikings horns I don’t believe in double standards
7 He also broke up with his girlfriend on Twitter the week before so he’s going to be playing a lot of Journey and Drake and everyone is gunna be real confused.