Global Warming: or Now We Can Swim Any Day In November

Recently I was privy to this super awesome inter-office argument. Well it was less of an argument and more of an over-inflated termination, but whatever, semantics. My boss was the dude executing the termination, and just to give you a sense of how this guy operates, his managerial style hinges on the phrase, “The night is dark and full of terrors1.” In essence, fear is the best motivator. This guy can deliver a belittling so awful, it takes days or even weeks to realize the entire effect. The emotional repercussions of his surreptitious slurs leave you with agonizing, heartbreaking misery because of the initial thing but also because you’re dumb for taking weeks to become conscious of the full ramifications2. It’s messed up and I hope it never happens to me.

I bring this torturous sadist into our conversation for a reason more important than corporate governance: context. In this discussion, the night full of terrors is manifested as ourselve--not a singular person, but as a collective. The human race as a whole is both the terminator3, and also the terminated. We are being sent home over Global Warming and our general attitude of non-accountability, and in a few decades we’re going to realize how incredulously vapid we are. So for those who care4, here’s my take.

For starters, Earth’s average temperature has warmed almost 1.5°F in the last century. This is huge. Earth is like, really big, and the fact that we exist 1.5°F hotter than 100 years ago is pretty stellar.  It is warmer today than 80% of the past 10,000 years of our planet. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but it’s safe to say we’re doing something super dumb and it’s likely we won’t be able to un-dumb it. Also, China and India will total three billion in like 30 years and we’ll totally be unable to generate enough natural resources to sidestep a global culture war, so really we’re like a powder-keg for every dystopian futuristic sci-fi movie every made. But more importantly, no one realizes the forthcoming terrors in the darkness, and it would be a bummer if it weren’t so damn ironic and entertaining.

Some people say thing like, “Hey dude, Environmental groups are trying to fix this impending crisis and could save us if we just pay attention!” Which is a definitely a sound argument, if you’re living in Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood of Make-Believe. But King Friday isn’t here and neither is Henrietta Pussycat so that doesn’t count. In 2009, the oil lobbies outspent Environmental groups nearly 8-to-1. The only funnier (like amusing funny, not ha-ha funny) and larger discrepancy would be the disparity between Federal funding for the NEA and our military allowance5. (To be fair, guns and butter cost way more than Sharpies and watercolors, but then again I don’t think we need like 25 military bases in Deutschland) So we can’t count on Environmental advocates to Scotch-tape the terrors, because you can’t be thrifty with couch cushion chump change. Man, that’s some heavy alliteration.

This stuff demonstrates we’ve been rightfully terminated. We showed up tardy one too many times, accidentally forwarded that NSFW email from our roommate that Friday before Vegas, so we sort of deserve to get canned. It actually probably happened a while ago, but we’ve been super busy trying out this Paleo diet and oh my God did you see Game of Thrones? Who has time for intercontinental crisis with programming like that? But just wait until we lose power6 and the honey rations coagulate and we’ll realize how hard we got screwed. And it’s cool because we’ll find a solution literally three seconds before Earth implodes. That’s how we roll.

Example: Did you know scientists recently unveiled a prosthetic organ made from bovine? It’s the world’s first “bio-prosthetic” heart that utilizes cow membranes, which are better suited to, I dunno, pump blood or something gross. You guys, we didn’t want to die so bad, we made a robo-cow heart. One day we’re going to be super pumped on the beach weather in October and then we’ll realize how dumb we are and get innovating on ditching this satellite.

But just in case you don’t believe me, here’s how the headlines are going to read:

Sometime in 2031 – Earth Really Tired of Our Shit, No One Really Cares

Around end of 2036 – All Marine Life Dead, Creeps Little Kids Out

January 2044 – Michael Bay Dies in Underwhelming Plane Accident, Bros Super Bummed

Circa 2050 – Earth’s Core Freezes, We Told You So

Mid 2057 – Living on Hoth Really Not Part of Deal, Everyone Says

Beginning 2062 – Most Humans Dead, Besides Eskimos and Your Ex-Girlfriend

Thanksgiving 2068 – Everything Sucks, Sort of Ironic

Mid 2062 – Eskimos and Your Ex Really Tired of Snow Cones All the Time

Easter 2073 – Miracle Gives Rebirth to Human Faith, Symbolism Writes Itself 

You can mail me your over-unders and $5 and we’ll see who’s laughing with your ex.

And to clarify, I don’t think we’re that dumb for taking so long to realize our slandered discontinuance. We’re simply just satisfied with blissful ignorance; it’s sort of our gig, when you think about it7. We all knew that Taco Bell wasn’t exactly serving Prime Rib or anything. We stuck our head in the sand until scientists literally had to say we were eating non-food. Non-food, you guys. The secret ingredient is probably drain cleaner and sand but we were so stoked to eat supper for under $4. My point is that we as a species just kind of DGAF8 until we have no other alternative but to pay attention and realize our fate. Which is that we’re super unemployed9

To make a longer story not so long, don’t feel bad, guys. Really, I think it’s time we accept our destined melancholy. We know it’s coming, we just can’t comprehend the events that will facilitate it, yet10. Because the night really is dark and full of terrors. In the shadows of our futuristic metropolises, we’re going to function righteously as if gas prices really are tolerable, that beach weather can really extend into November, and that all marine life floating to the surface is ultimately chill for underpaid fisherman.

Which will make it so much worse when we run out of arable land and our boss takes our office keys to inform us they never really accessed anything important after all. 

1 If you get that reference, you haven’t been laid in a long, long time
2 Not unlike when you re-watch Hook or something to realize the titular character is Dustin Hoffman and you feel so dumb for taking years to figure that out even though you’ve seen in so many times.
3 Oh my god why have I never called anyone that before? It’s not a tumah! Get to the choppa!
4 And who are we kidding, you’re here reading this, so you probably care. Or you’re my Mom. Hi Mom.
5 If you can, find a pie chart of the difference. Unless you’re not a visual learner. In which case I guess you should call me and I’ll just outline the statistics for you. Don’t do that. I get nervous on the phone.
6 And not related to Beyoncé’s performance kind of losing power  
7 Which you won’t¾ we literally just covered this
8 I’m not going to lie, this was the only word that made sense in this context
9 Or like, dead

Columnist Trenton Keith is a writing and pop culture enthusiast. He's also a sarcastic humorist, a dismal satirist, and frequent user of non-sequiturs.

Global Warming image courtesy of Shuterstock

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