I Fucking Hate Sports.

FIVE THôT editor and columist Nick Baber is a lover of film, design, futurism, and his cat Boba Fett. Check out his other articles here.

Yeah, you read that right. I hate sports. With a fiery passion. And if you like sports there’s a good chance I fucking hate you too. No, it’s not that I dislike your team, I dislike the very idea and mentality that sports perpetuate. The idea that you are better than I am. The very act of clapping, cheering and berating others because you’re excited about, well sports. Bang on your chest and throw poop at me while you’re at it.

I’ve just had lunch at a cafe here in San Francisco and I had the opportunity to have a flat screen TV plastered on the wall behind my boss, who quickly realized my attention had fallen to ESPN. Mike Tyson charades around the sound stage with a handful of idolizing citizens behind him as he makes commentary about various sports clips with a young blonde dressed in tight clothing. She, I’m sure, is a big fan of sports. The confused look on her face and the oh-so intelligent questions she raised were nothing more than indicators of her expertise.

Sporting events have always been a form of entertainment. The Olympics are the earliest and most enduring sporting games documented on this planet. Men were worshiped and whores were tossed their way all in honor of their ability to be more masculine and more powerful or skilled than you. So what’s changed since then?

Athletes are given ridiculous salaries today, exceeding the hundreds of millions. All the while 2.6 million children die of malnutrition every year. These are the things I think about when I watch sports - scratch that -I don’t watch sports. These are the things I think about when I witness people excited about sports.

So why do we still do this? What Neanderthal gene do we still carry that perpetuates this demoralizing and often times violent act of watching sports as entertainment? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy playing a good game of soccer or hitting up the park for some extreme frisbee (that’s a sport, isn’t it?) but when it comes time to get shit faced and watch the Super Bowl, count me out. Because I don’t care.

There’s something about large groups of people gathering together, essentially rooting against the other that rubs me the wrong way. But we’re told the opposite of this as young children. Get on a team and work together, that’s called sportsmanship. I disagree. Sports teaches children to raise their voice, put others down, and to do whatever it takes to win. And that includes using performance enhancing drugs.

But who am I to think such things? After all, my father always told me I’d gain respect for playing sports. That, I don’t disagree with. Millions of people “respect” athletes for their hard work and skill. I just don’t require any of that in my life. Now, or ever. My ability to throw a ball or hit whatever is inconsequential to the cogs moving the universe. And I just. Don’t. Care. 

Image Courtesy: Rangizzz // Shutterstock

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