JACK KNOWS: When to Walk Away from a Threesome.

This past week, Martha Stewart admitted to participating in a threesome—as well as sexting, and a particular talent for rolling the perfect joint. While her admissions probably have something to do with her desire to continue to be a relevant figure in the mediasphere (and a new book she’s promoting), the fact that she has done all of these things should not be surprising.

Come on, who among us hasn’t enjoyed a little naughtiness? I’ll admit it; I’ve been party to several threesomes in my life.

In fact, I see nothing wrong with having sex with multiple partners at the same time. I consider it akin to multitasking. If I can text, watch TV and carry on a conversation, why can’t I have sex with more than one person at a time?

Each of my threesomes has been quite enjoyable. Doubling the number of sex partners has an exponential affect on pleasure—in my opinion. Each threesome was fleeting (no repeat visits, no overnight sessions) and truly titillating. I was always the “invited guest” into a couple’s bedroom—not the one in a coupled relationship inviting in a third. Sex was fast-moving but sustained, deeply passionate, and frankly, a whole lot of fun.

That said, I am a huge anti-threesome advocate for couples. Many couples think adding a third will “cure” problems they have been having in their relationship. Unfortunately a threesome cures nothing—it's a remedy for a misdiagnosed problem. Threesomes tend to amplify—rather than diminish, jealousies, and self-esteem issues among couples.

You see, threesomes typically have a “third-wheel”—someone who is not getting equal attention even during the sex act. If that person was already feeling insecure about their “worthiness”—a threesome will only amplify that feeling.

My friend Samantha told me a story of a couple she met at a party. Dee was blonde, willowy—simply gorgeous. But it was Mike who Samantha was into. When they got to bed, Samantha gave all of her attention to Mike. Dee immediately became jealous, and the evening ended…prematurely.

Another friend told me she was frustrated at how sexually aggressive her boyfriend was in bed. It was hurting their relationship (double entendre intended). My friend Katie thought adding another woman to the bedroom would help. But when Katie saw her usually aggressive boyfriend treat the other woman in a gentle and romantic manner, she flipped out. “Why does she get treated like a gentle flower, and I get the ‘pile driver?’”

My friend Trent told me how he “surprised” his boyfriend Nate with a third partner one night. Trent prepared the evening just as Nate had described his fantasy to him—he came home to find his boyfriend naked in bed, with another man—and both were waiting to have sex with him. The problem was, the fantasy hadn’t factored in the jealousy quotient. All Nate could do was imagine what Trent and the “third” had been doing before he got home. 

In my experience, threesomes (for couples) are part of an escalating path to the end of a relationship. While they think it will “cure” what ails them, in reality, it is only speeding them closer to a final break up. Consider this progression: 

  1. Monogamy—the desired state
  2. Cheating—what happens when they’re not getting what they need from their partner (sexually, emotionally)
  3. An open relationship—a way to “cheat” out in the open 4). 
  4. Threesomes—a variant of an open relationship, but your partner gets to watch (which can be even more hurtful)
  5. Break-up—because you were running from the real problems in your relationship by thinking sex with others would solve them.

So, you see, for couples, threesomes are nothing more than a slippery, downward trajectory of any relationship—a fleeting step near the end of the road. For the “invited guest” on the other hand, they can be a lot of fun.

So I say, if you’re invited to be a “guest” in a couple’s bedroom, know that you are a pawn in marital problems, and enjoy the activity and don’t get involved in the relationship stuff. There should be no repeat visits, no overnight sessions, and now out-of-the-sack activities of any kind.

Enjoy the fleeting pleasures, and don’t get wrapped up in anything resembling coupledom. And know when to walk away.

Author Jack Reid is a relationship expert and author of the “Jack Knows” column on FIVE THôT.


Toes image courtesy of Shutterstock

 

 

 

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