It is a fundamental necessity for guys in their twenties to be dating, and having sex—on a regular basis. Traditional American society does a really bad job at educating young men on how to behave at a physical, and intimate level, so we must all take things in our own hands <pun intended.>
By “practicing” sex on a regular basis, we learn about physical pleasure and intimacy. By dating regularly, we learn about about emotional intimacy, respect, communication and pleasure. At a time when we are at the peak of our virility (and testosterone level), and our need for intimacy skyrockets, it is time for lots, and lots, and lots, or dates and sex.
It is important to distinguish these two separate but sometimes intertwined activities. You don’t need to be dating to have sex, and you don’t need to have sex if you are dating.
Both involve a level of vulnerability, intimacy, and need for respect, education, and responsibility that comes at the beginning of adulthood, but I’m always surprised how many guys confuse the two.
I have had plenty of sex where there was no emotional connection outside the bedroom, and have has plenty of emotionally intimate relationships where the sex was…well, horrible.
I had met Caroline at a friend’s party on a summer night. It was clear when our eyes locked that there was chemistry between us. We left the party early, and headed back to her place where we proceed to have loud, ruckus sex until early the next morning. I gave my body over to her completely, and explored hers with a vulnerability I had not known I had in me. We were a great pair in bed. We repeated that evening’s physicality over and over again. I’d get a text from her on Wednesday, Tuesday, or Thursday night with an invitation to come over—and I’d always accept. I did not, however, ever see Caroline outside her apartment, or on a “date night” Friday or Saturday. We had an unspoken rule that we were having “sex”—and not “dating.” Yes, Caroline and I were “fuck buddies” and it suited both of us just fine.
I speak to so many guys who are frustrated that they aren’t having regular sex because they are not in a relationship. I say, get over your puritanical traditions and accept that we are living in 2013—a time of sexual freedom for both men and women that our parents fought so hard to achieve in the 1960’s and 70’s. Both guys and girls want the physical pleasure of sex. So, go and get it. Take a look around your office, your corner Starbucks, the subway, or go to a bar. You’ll find someone if you try. And technology advancements are our partners-in-sex. From Match.com, Craigslist, OK Cupid to Tinder and even Bang with Friends, technology is letting us make quick work of finding sexual partners. And, if you’re still having a tough time, there is always the occasional erotic massage, or even a roommate that might help you out—now don’t get weirded out—this is actually more common than you know. I can’t tell you how many guys can admit to a hand-job, make-out session or BJ with a good buddy after a couple of drinks. It doesn’t change your sexual orientation—it just makes you sexually pleasured. Again, get over it.
So I say that having sex is easy. But sometimes dating can be hard.
I find that dating is far more complex than a roll in the sack. Both start with physical attraction, but dating involves far more complex emotions than a carnal connection. How and why we connect on an emotional level can take years to create and maintain (they say you always need to work on your relationship). There are issues of timing, maturity, vulnerability—even career goals, religious issues, and parenting plans that get caught up in the dating world that do not appear in a sex-only relationship.
So I say, don’t think about every date as being “the one” you will spend the rest of your life with. Take each date as a one-off learning opportunity—a chance to learn about yourself, and what is the best “match” for you. Be in the moment with every day—and don’t worry about the future until it comes.
So, I say “have sex, and date often.” Seek pleasure, and learnings, and you will live a happy life.