Before moving to Sweden last year, I sold my car and packed up all my things. I didn’t have much money, my car didn’t sell for all that much, but it was enough to buy a plane ticket to Sweden, a new bed for my boyfriend C and I, a new couch for our apartment, and a bike for me to get around town, to and from school/work, etc. Uppsala is big on bikes – and stealing them too.
I had my bike for 3 months before it was stolen from me and I thought I would never see it again. But as fate has it, on Saturday afternoon C calls me on his way home saying he thinks he found my bike! So I throw on some warm clothes and I am waiting, eagerly (jumping up and down, can barely contain myself), for him to arrive, and we go see the bike and OMFG it’s actually MY BIKE!! Not only is it my bike, but it’s on my SAME STREET. These criminal idiots stole a bike from my apartment (number 62) and took it to their building (number 28). How much more stupid could you be? So we called the police and told them it was mine, but since I didn’t have the VIN number, I couldn’t prove 100% that it was my bike. So sadly, I had to leave it. I went home and cried and got angry, and then after much coaxing from C, I got up and decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, the bike store I bought the bike from wasn’t open on Sunday, so I cleaned house instead.
But justice isn’t always about law or right and wrong; maybe you are bringing injustice to yourself.
I’ve been thinking about relationships a lot lately, and I have found out some interesting things about what I think makes it work, and how someone can find a relationship more fit for them. I follow the blog of a girl from high school who is finding herself through Jesus, and as we already know, I am not a religious person but she is extremely insightful and a lot of her findings on herself, no matter their origin, can be passed on to a lot of people. But back on topic, she wrote an entry about men and there being no more gentlemen in the world. Then shortly after reading this, I heard several other people complain about not being able to find any good men.
Let me just first say that there are many good men out there, but women tend to look them over for the ‘man’ who is a jerk or cocky. Women complain about the lack of good men, but they are the ones walking all over them and making them mean and jerks. Also, not every guy is a jerk and not every girl is a bitch, but maybe you and this person bring out the worst in each other, thus becoming a jerk or bitch. So lets not write off someone as a bad person simply because they were bad to you, because someone probably views you the same. Not everyone gets along and not everyone is a bad person because of it.
And on the thought of no ‘gentlemen’ in the world, I think this is a matter of opinion, and also a matter of the above: what characteristics a person brings out in another. There are plenty of gentlemen out there, but you have to find one who meets your standards. I am sure many southern women wouldn’t find my boyfriend a gentlemen: he never opens doors for me, never lets me enter first, holds my chair out for me, etc. But he is completely a gentleman to me because he is fair – my being a girl does not make an excuse as to why I can or cannot do something. I can open my own door, I can help myself to anything in life, and we are intellectual equals and he treats me as such. But such is the Swedish nature: dinner bills are split, women pay their own movie ticket, and a drink isn’t bought for a girl before they are friends. I love this.
To my friends complaining about not finding a guy, ‘there’s no good guys’, and ‘why are all guys jerks?!’, I think it’s time to look inwards and stop blaming the guy. Are you meeting men who are good looking, or good? Where are you meeting these men? And what are you doing with your life?
If you’re meeting men at school, bars, parties, etc., you’re probably not finding quality. High school and especially college guys are extremely immature, but eventually everyone grows up and moves on. But it’s highly doubtful you’ll find any true meaningful relationship with the high school quarterback or the hot frat guy down the hall. If you want to meet guys who live up to your standards, you need to go where they are: i.e. not the frat houses and douche bag bars.
Here’s the thing: like attracts like. A gold digger is going to find a man who wants a trophy wife. A lawyer will find a doctor. A pimp will find a whore. A woman devoted to God, will find a man devoted to God. A woman wanting to be treated equal will find a man who does that. If you are doing nothing with your life, who do you think you will find? Amy found Sheldon, so there’s someone for everyone – you’re welcome for that Big Bang Theory joke.
As The Perk of Being a Wallflower says: ‘you accept the love you think you deserve’. So what are you really telling yourself when you are walking over the nice guys to get to the good looking guys, and letting yourself be treated like shit over and over again? If people, not just women, took the time to reflect on themselves and what they want in a relationship, they would probably find it a lot easier, and not find themselves sifting through the BS.
Justice and injustice has many forms – we can have it served to us or we can serve it to others. The best justice is the kind we bring upon ourselves when we find out what we really want in life and love, and go after it because we deserve it.
Guest Author Rikki Rene Thornton grew up in Southern California but felt more at home after her move to San Francisco. She's now taken the more distant move to Uppsala, Sweden for love, and finally found her spot in the world.
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