Kim & Kanye in Unlaced Adidas—
Top of the World Like Pyramids in Giza

I don’t know if you’ve read the paper or tabloids or whatever lately, but things between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been finger lickin’ good recently. It seems like you can’t throw a dead cat around without hitting a gem of a quote from one of the two, regarding either their relationship, music, or newborn child. And if you’re reading between the lines (which is more than either them can do because they probably can’t read) then you’ll wonder as I am if they’re playing a joke on us all or if they’re really that stupid1.

Like, they created and successfully birthed a human being, a privileged contribution that many are not privy to, that should be respected and recognized as a beautiful and timeless treasure, a symbol of your undying fervor and united presence— and then they took that and named it North. Like, this isn’t equivalent to naming your new car ‘Emily’ so you can make topical sex jokes with your friends. They named a human being North. Which is half of the bastardization of the thing because the other half is that North’s last name is West2. They literally made a pun out of their child’s name. Again, you can interpret this is a massive gag or a colossal oversight, but seeing as there is now an (eventually, I hope) upright-walking living organism named North West on the planet, it must be both.

But lets not spend too much time on their blessed coital fallout, because the most recent developments are the juiciest. So let’s pretend that you’re Kim and Kayne (henceforth Kimye) lounging on your couch watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta3 or whatever. And Kim, in her star studded complacency, realizes that although her dead pheasant of a marriage to Chris Humphries is still steaming in the autumnal dusk, she’s more than ready to tie the knot to a guy who seriously calls himself ‘Yeezus’4. But as one-half of the prestigious Kimye, Kim has obligations to her fans and the world at large. You can’t just “get married”, as that would be authentic, morally responsible and intrinsically romantic. As a woman who has gifted five glamour-inspired fragrances5 to the world, Kim knows exactly what is expected of her.

And, as any now-emerging inspired wedding planner, a motif must be established and used as the baseline for all matrimonial decisions. For example: I love Jimmy Buffett and so my marriage will be on the beach with margaritas or parrots and I’ll somehow mysteriously end up with a Mexican cutie tattoo’d on me and something about fins. Kim, in all her magnificent resourcefulness might chose the only pillar of devotion that’s worthy of Kimye: herself. That’s right, as the modern Goddess Isis6, Kimye then chooses a locale appropriate for divine couple such as themselves which is (as you can probably guess): Egypt.

Oh me, oh my! What a perfect venue for a magnanimous occasion such as this! Kimye can see it now: The backdrop of the Giza pyramids, the sapphire sky adorned with cascading tufts of silver clouds, the napkin-holders shaped like King Tutankhamen’s weirdly shaped face. It’s picturesque and idealistic, though it will cost a small fortune to produce. “That’s no matter,” thinks Kim, “my to-be hubby is pretty much Jesus and I can release more airport-laden items that begin with the letter ‘K’!” But alas, days after the initial pronouncement there are objections, outcries. What could possibly steal the limelight from Kimye’s upcoming heavenly nuptials?

A military coup and civil strife deeply rooted in religious and socio-economic turmoil.

I swear to God7, these two sad excuses for intelligent hominids were planning to get married in one of the most currently volatile countries and either had virtually no awareness of it, or were knowingly negligent and insensitive to thousands upon thousands of human lives. That’s honestly a step away from planning a bar mitzvah in North Korea and wondering why Shaniah Twain isn’t available to book. Actually no, that would at least require international diplomacy which takes effort to retain and analyze, making North Korea somewhat of a militarized nuance. Again, it’s hard to imagine that this isn’t a great big prank, but then you remember that their combined efforts resulted in something called ‘North’ and it isn’t a ’74 Chevelle, it kinda makes sense.

We’re dealing with two people so far removed from reality that they not only fail to acknowledge that their dual existence defies the 1st and arguably mort important Monotheistic commandment8, but they fail to recognize and consider a national insurgence into their “Save the Date” cards. I mean not seriously but can you imagine getting a “Save the Date” card from Kimye? It would just be a giant picture of their faces, a giant question mark, a box that says, “Yes” and a second box that says, “Yes.”

This level of non-responsibility must take some sort of Zen-like exertion, spearheaded by an obliviousness paralleled only by the limo driver in the first ‘Die Hard’. And yeahyeahyeah I know entertainers (athletic, musical, theatre, etc.) all get compensated handsomely, because the free market has placed their abilities on a shelf that warrants large sums of money.

But what really grinds my gears is the way we as a culture accept this absurdity, like it’s stale cereal that we can’t just throw out because that’s a terrible waste of Honeycomb and I’m not made of money. I’d very much appreciate if the next time you pick up a tabloid or whatever, and someone is decrying the injustice of violating some famous person’s privacy, that you remember there are men and women in Egypt who are dying for a cause, who have lost their husbands or wives or children, who exist in a limbo of political turmoil with no clear end on the horizon. People whose spiritual beliefs are part of their prideful history and their accomplished present, which is fused with their respective identities.

And worst of all, not one of them is going to get an invitation to the marriage of deity #1 to deity #2.


1 Spoiler alert: It’s the latter
2 Thank GOD that they didn’t try something devious with their last names, like some sort of portmanteau resulting in “Westashian” or perhaps “Yeeziest”.
3 Who are we kidding? they’re watching videos of Kim’s giant face with Kanye’s music on loop
4 To be fair and not continue racial tensions between rock n roll and hip hop, it should be noted that the late John Lennon once made a similar claim to much controversy and notoriety. The difference here being that John Lennon (as I interpret it) was referring not only to the musical collective, but their fame in reference to the deity. Mr. West presumably believes in his Christ-like status given his historic portrayals as the Biblic Nazarene.
5 One of which was released to coincide with her aforementioned sham of a marriage to Mr. Nets #43.This doesn’t include the Kardashian family’s line of cosmetics and fashionable eveningwear that are available worldwide.
6 For a moment just bathe in the now-evident situation where Isis is dating Jesus.
7 Not related to either of the gods we’re speaking of, FYI
8 I’m not qualifying commandments here, as I am neither a religious scholar or learned authority on the matter. But for the record, as a Catholic, I feel real guilty about that.

Columnist Trenton Keith is a writing and pop culture enthusiast. He's also a sarcastic humorist, a dismal satirist, and frequent user of non-sequiturs.

image via Joe Seer /
blog comments powered by Disqus

The Featured Five