Hello again, everyone. It’s Trenton Keith. This week I have solicited questions from a random sampling of real people on Facebook, semi-real people in the concrete octagon of life, and everything in between, so that I can help solve their random but commonly considered queries. My responses will be listed in two parts this week, half today and the other half this coming Wednesday.
If you’d like, you're more than welcome to email your questions to me at email@example.com and I'll probably answer them honestlysometime in the very near future. Maybe here in public. Warning: All responses, suggestions and references are in no way guaranteed to be responsible, accurate, or free of grammatical errors.
How do you get rid of the hiccups?
Dear Person With Nothing Better To Do,
This is a complicated question that has plagued man for eons, probably women too. What is more interesting than trying to cure the hiccups1 are the causes for actually catching them (which is a funny turn of phrase, isn't it? To catch something infers that it is intentional, yet no one intentionally catches a cold or worms or whatever). People have been known to hiccup when they drink in excess, or when they eat too quickly. It can even be a symptom of something really serious, like pneumonia. All seriousness aside, can you imagine hiccuping so hard, that you got pneumonia? All that comes to mind is Ludwig II of Bavaria, you know, the guy that died in like 3 inches of water. Take that really awkward reference as you will.
What do you hear when you play 'Dark Side of the Moon' backwards?
Dear Guy I Didn't Talk To In High School,
Is this the album where it says "Paul is Dead" on it?2 I have to be honest and say that to listen to DSotM backwards, I'd have to listen to it pretty frequently forwards. Not that Syd Barrett isn't super talented, ambitious, or prolific. I just mean that one time for my birthday my Mom got me a t-shirt of Pink Floyd and she said it was from Target and it just ruined the whole mystique, you know? Not that Target isn't a consumerist Mecca for domestic ancillaries or Iron Man action figures or anything. Although, Target does explicitly forbid charities to solicit you on their property. Why? It's probably Rupert Murdoch's fault.
Every time my group of friends go out, my one friend drinks too much. He sometimes blacks out and throws up before we even get our food. Is he an alcoholic?
You know, I think someone should set the record straight. I've had my fair share of drink. Yeah, I've cuddled with open whiskey bottles.3 I've climbed exterior fire escapes without any respect for the law, or gravity. I've known men to polish off cases, nearly kegs of beer in honor of holidays, Fridays, or quinceaneras. One time, I witnessed my super drunk friend signing in ASL, and she didn't even know sign language. Long story short, yeah, your friend is an alcoholic.
I live in Hoboken and I want to start dating someone from Oklahoma. Is that too far? Please advise.
Dear Way Too Desperate,
Somewhere between the First Continental Congress and the Articles of the Confederation, the Founding Fathers probably got together and had a conversation that sounded much like this:
Thomas Jefferson: Hey guys, good job today I feel we're makingsome headway.
Alexander Hamilton: I agree wholeheartedly. But I gotta say, where are we gunna put all of these, oh gosh, what do you call them--
George Washington: Indians.
Alexander Hamilton: Indians! Yes, those. Where do we put them? They're all over our land we just discovered while escaping tyrannical persecution. Shouldn't we find a place for them, you know, thatno one cares about?
John Adams: What about further left? There's a ton of room there. Or how about south and slightly right? That weird-shaped corner thingdown there.
John Jay: Well, I think it's unfair if--
Thomas Jefferson: Shut up, John. No one even wants you here.
James Madison: Yeah, John, shut up.
John Adams: Jim, you've got a girl's name. Just go home.
Alexander Hamilton: Gentleman! What are we? A bunch of King Georges?4 Let's all just agree on one thing: Everyone and everything we don't like we can just shove into the middle of the land, or in bottom-right corner. Agreed?
John Adams: Agreed.
John Jay: Agreed.
Thomas Jefferson: God, John, shut up.
My girlfriend wants me to change my status on Facebook from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship'. We've been dating 3 weeks, what should I do?
Dear Guy Still Living With His Mom,
Here's what is going on. She's emotionally unstable or insecure, probably stemming from paternal or maternal rifts in early childhood, but more likely image issues having to do with gender inequities in our school systems, coupled with cyber-bullying and that Algebra pop quiz no one saw coming. Let me ruin the surprise for you: You're gonna change that Facebook status. You're gonna change it because it's the only way to get to second base. Welcome to 2013, pal. In my day it was Myspace top 8, and before that it was something to do with fax machines. This is adulthood, where we all pay the price to get laid.
1 Yeah I totally jacked this question 'cuz I'm in charge here. You're not my real mom.
2 How have we as a society not made Crass shirts that say "Paul is Dead" instead of "Punk is Dead"? I guess that's what you get when your subculture roots it
's manifesto outside of western consumerism.
3 Voted worst way to wake up in the known universe, FYI.
4 That was totally an insult back then for sure.
Columnist Trenton Keith is a writing and pop culture enthusiast. He's also a sarcastic humorist, a dismal satirist, and frequent user of non-sequiturs.