We have been featuring Marni Kinrys’ Confessions from a Wing Girl for several months. They are some of our most popular articles. Marni answers questions from her fans and doles out inspirational and invaluable advice. Here, Marni changes format to write in depth about a topic she knows much about. She’s spent the last decade helping tens of thousands of men go from being Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Holy S&*T, I Want Him!!! And today she’s teaching “How To Get Over Approach Anxiety With Women…”
Do you have approach anxiety? Well guess what? So does 85% of the population, so you my friend are not alone.
Approach anxiety is really just anxiety of the unknown. Fears of what COULD happen and our attempts to always control an outcome. I want to tell you something. You will NEVER be able to control an outcome especially from women. You know how unpredictable we are for goodness sakes!!! So how are you every going to control what happens when you interact with us?
You aren’t! But what you are going to control is YOU and how you feel about the approach and interaction.
I got an email today from one of my Email Coaching Clients who I’ll call H that I wanted to share with you. It’s a great email because H says every fear that I know runs through your mind when you want to approach a woman. And what I do as his Wing Girls is help him calm all his fears. Hopefully it will do the same for you.
H’s Email with my responses in bold:
Marni, I had this question eating my head for quite sometime.
Do women love being approached by random guys they don’t know. My response: YES, as long as it’s the right guy approaching her. A creepy guy with nothing to offer NO. But an awesome guy that catches her attention YES.
Is it like an ego boost being approached? Of course! It feels awesome when someone acknowledges you at attractive. But again if it’s the wrong guy who doesn’t take the hint the ego boost goes away and it just becomes annoyance. Does it feel nice being approached? Sometimes. Again, depends on who is approaching us. Or is it like an invasion of privacy? Sometimes. Again depends on who it is and how they approach. I’ve had and seen many guys who literally just lurk around and then finally approach and have nothing to say AND THEN won’t leave. This is when things get creepy and it feels like an invasion of my space. Other guys are too aggressive and won’t take a hint when women politely ask them to leave them alone. Of course they do it in their subtle yet feminine way so it’s not overtly rude.
Does a guy who approaches appear needy? Sometimes if he doesn’t approach correctly and if he’s acting needy!
I am asking because this happened many times that i saw a girl i wanted to talk to but then I had other thoughts like
- What if she doesn’t want to talk – Too bad. you do. Let her tell you she doesn’t want to talk. At that point you may not want to talk to her. Plus how are you going to know this if you don’t approach her? Stop rejecting yourself before women even get a chance! 2) what if she has a boyfriend or husband You’re not going to figure that out from a mile away so approach. She’ll tell you if she’s taken. AND if she is, then she’s a great candidate to be your very own wing girl. Put that girl to work!
- What if she is an introvert What IF she is an introvert?? Introvert does not mean shy or quite. It means that she gets recharged when she is alone instead of around people. If’s she’s that way then hopefully she’s had her time recharging and is now ready to talk
- What if I come across as a wimp? What if you do?? Are you a wimp??? Probably not so then why would you come across as one. As long as you don’t think your a wimp then who cares. Be proud of all your actions and ALWAYS go after what you want. In my mind that does not define wimp
- What if i mess up? You won’t. And I’m not even really sure of what messing up means. You mean what if she says no?? That doesn’t mean you messed up, it means she didn’t want what you had to offer. The real mess up happens when you miss opportunities. Keep reading my materials and go check out my new book Get Inside Her and that will give you the tools you need so that you don’t mess up with women AND you won’t think you’ve messed up!!!
I hope you can answer these questions Marni!
You know why I know that these questions are so common and why approach anxiety is so normal? Because I used to ask them to myself. I used to have these irrational fears of the unknown and worries about being rejected. I still do from time to time. But you know what I realized? It’s worse not going after things and it’s even worse not knowing.
What I did to get over my approach anxiety was I learned to do things in baby steps so that I did not have HUGE outcomes attached to my actions. So I no longer thought, there is a person I want to talk to and when I talk to them they will be totally charmed by me and then want to hang out with me and give me XYZ…. That type of thinking is what can overwhelm you and stop you from taking action.
Instead I said, there’s a person I want to talk to, let’s see if they are interesting and we’ll see what comes from the conversation. Then I did just that. I approached without a desired outcome in mind and I gave myself credit for simply approaching. Then as I got better with that, I was able to have better conversations and move the interaction forward. Then as I got better with that, I was able to get more out of my conversations and make connections. As I got more comfortable with each step, I gained more confidence and that came across in my approaches.
And now I want you to do the same so that you can get over your approach anxiety. Break it down into little steps and at each step you complete, pat yourself on the back.
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